YOU SHOULD SEE THE OTHER GUY

And it's August ! If it were ever going to be high, The Cotton need wait no more, and if it were ever going to be easy, The Living is looking at its best chance in recent months. Not everyone, however, seems to realize the importance of making the most of August 3, sadly.

In Manhattan today, some people were mightily inconvenienced when a derailed train complicated their morning commute. "Someone isn't doing their job right," said Curtis Weaver,who was waiting for the 6 train uptown on 33rd Street on his way to his security guard job on Park Avenue. "They shoud improve the trains."

(DNAinfo.com clearly shoud

improve their proofreaders…)

In Hama, Syria, today, security personnel fared much better in their morning commute, arriving for work in the center of town via tank and armored vehicle, where they continued to put down a popular uprising. One hundred had been reportedly killed during a weekend of heavy shelling and bombing. Casualty reports from today are not yet available, although corpses are reported to be strewn in the streets.

It’s safe to say that getting to work in Hama for any non-security personnel was just as bad as Mr. Weaver’s experience traveling in Manhattan: helicopters patrolled the skies, snipers had taken up positions on the tops of buildings, and people were being killed for protesting against the Assad regime.

Caroline D. had similar complaints today about encountering hostilities during a return trip from her weekend in the Hamptons. It seems a Jitney bus attendant victimized her with some heinous atrocities. She had…

Called ahead to reserve a seat on the 3:30pm bus 08/02/11. Got there at 2:50pm when the Ambassador was pulling away, it had one seat but someone stand-by took it. When I called, no one gave me this option. Went inside to buy a ticket, unsmiling, unhappy workers that barely made eye contact. Went outside to wait because the Omni smells of sweat and mildew, the coffee shop was gated shut at 3:00pm…. A bus pulled up at 3:20 so I got up and the attendant said no, this is not your bus, it's going East so I sat back down.
The next thing I know, another attendant shows up and tells me to " get in line!!!" I stand up and see he is taking names so I pull out my ticket and ask him if he will take my name but he says " I will take your name when you get in line!!!" and then I see at least 20 people have lined up but I tell him I was the first person waiting so I stand behind the person he has just taken their name. Do then he yells at me " Oh so you are just going to cut in front of all these people now???!!!" I have never been so humiliated and a guy next to me said he was waiting after me too. We sat on the bench at the front! This attendant has ZERO people skills and was incredibly rude and condescending! I told him he should give his customers the benefit of the doubt before he goes ahead and decides I am trying to cheat! He told me " to get over it!!!" If I didn't have to get back to the city, I would not have let it go. …Once I got on the bus, it was pretty full so I had to sit at the back near the toilet and someone went inane took a stinking dump!!! Seriously, you can't wait to do that at home???
 -- thanks to Yelp.com ...

At home in Hama, where water, electrical and phone lines had been cut, and food supplies were dwindling, residents also had to “get over it,” or else find other arrangements to not only take a stinking dump, but also to bury their dead, who as mentioned before, are apparently still lying in the streets.

Nearly all middle-class Americans ought to take a deep breath today (or at least my New Yorker brothers and sisters) and drink from the overflowing fountain of perspective. Most of us do not have high-powered scopes covering our front doors, nor have 120mm tank guns trained on our places of employment. 

Photo: Evan Blumenstein

Most of us have lives of relative ease. I just scheduled a canoe trip with my son for later in the week. I woke up to sunshine. I have people in my life whom I love and who love me. Nothing’s perfect, but I’ve never had a day like the freedom fighters had in Hama today. For far too many, it was their last day. Think on that.

Back to the comedy. I think Louis CK covers a version of this sentiment the best, so I’ll let him to the talking.

Thanks for reading, and please always remember that in the road of life, it's best to avoid New Jersey jug handles....

A Midsummer Night's Bream

"I have never used steroids, human growth hormone, or any other type of illegal performance-enhancing drugs" —Roger Clemens, in a congressional hearing, 2008.

Except maybe for the 20 times your trainer claims he injected you with the junk? Or was he was the one doing the "using" or otherwise "employing," it, or in this case, "deploying" it into your fat ass, because you just weren't a big enough arrogant bully without it.

Sorry. That wasn't necessarily a classy comment by a classy writer. I do let my emotions take hold from time to time, hopefully in service of the irreverance I pathetically attempt strive to achieve for my scanty yet plucky readership.

Want a class act? Me, too, and for the Fenway fortunate, one is available for close observation every time Tim Wakefield picks up a baseball, or otherwise walks into a place.

Wakefield, one of the last remaining sporting heroes. Wakefield, who was nominated 8 times for the Roberto Clemente good-guy award and won through his consistent, quiet action, unlike Jerkweed Supreme Roger Clemens, who had the audacity to call himself "the gooddest guy around," when he's not pitching. No, that would be the Other Guy, actually—a soon-to-be 45-year-old who still bakes a richly seasoned humble pie, and slings irregular slices of it at men who were swinging nothing more fearsome than Sippy Cups during Wake's Rookie Year.

 

He's on the mound again, tonight, in pursuit of Win # 198, versus some guys from Toronto. The progeny and I will tune in, witness the carnival cannonshot that is a knuckleball, and the ironic surprise of a sub-80 mph "heater." I'll also attempt to throw a weak-ass dinner pitch past my suspicious kid: some whole, deep-sea bounty that was swimming off the coast of Massachusetts recently, courtesy of my landlord. Haven't yet had the ichthyic pleasure of meeting this particular species before. Pretty sure a bunch of garlic and olive oil will be involved, so everyone hope for the best.

That's not a bad approach to life. Don't hand power over to the bullies, throw knuckleballs of great humility well into one's 40's, and periodically try a new fish.

Thanks for reading, and please remember: Even if you say Porgy and I say Sparidae, we should not, in fact, call the whole thing off.

Pulling the Lever

Here's to sanity. Here's to checks and balances. Here's to humbling the incoming loudmouths. Here's to Election Day, a cold cup of coffee for a national hangover and a great excuse for my union brothers and sisters to make time-and-a-half before they hopefully head home and pull a lever.

BlaiserBlog began as an outcropping of post-election euphoria two years ago. It's been a bumpy road, but overall I've found ample opportunity to continue believing in zany optimism, continue believing that every day is another chance to get it right, continue believing that the Yankees just aren't interesting as a concept and that forgiveness--or at least acceptance--gives one far better traction in the muddy cornfields of life than just about anything, especially a jacked-up '69 Chevelle.

I'm unsure that BlaiserBlog will survive these midterm elections. Production has tailed off. Attentions are shifting, seasons are shifting, scenes are shifting. If you pay attention to the fashion world, shifts are shifting.

It gives one pause and begs the question, What's it all about?

Here's a humble offering of what it might be all about:

it's a Midwestern Grandmother having a blast in a studio audience in Manhattan,
it's watching a child sleep, through the rear-view mirror
it's the spice of October on a damp, sylvan floor
it's the quiet enthusiasm of a lawn frog
it's the sweet silence of a lost lover
it's the je ne sais quoi behind a stranger's wink
it's having the determination of the oak while waving like the willow
it's standing on a beach, applauding the osprey
it's a pork tenderloin roast, filthy with rosemary and oil.
it's astonishment in the ordinary
it's stagehands playing stringed instruments
it's a rally in the Mall

it's a first date in Iceland
it's straddling the ladder
it's twenty-two sevenths
it's stalking the Heffalump
it's de-pilling the sweater
it's exceeding expectations
it's opera on vinyl
it's what Rock-n-Roll's doing to them kids, Emma.
it's an image of a mage
and every once in a while -- not often, but enough to keep hope alive -- it is, in fact, the Sprite in you.

image: http://www.etsy.com/shop/johloh 

Thanks for reading. Leave a comment. Get out and vote, whenever possible. And please remember -- just because the World Series is over, we do not have to lose the sweet spot of the artistic bat.

Bank Shoppe

In which not even the most respected bank in the United States is immune to lemming-like behavior.

Customer: Good Morning.

Bonds: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Goldman Sachs Penn Station West Branch, Upper Level!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Bonds: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting at Tracks just now, on the Lower Level, skimming through "End the Fed" by Ron Paul, and it suddenly hit me that my entire financial planning regimen had come over all destitute.

Bonds: Destitute, sir?

Customer: Impoverished.

Bonds: Eh?

Customer: Ahhh, I'm loosing me scratch!!!

Bonds: Ah, your portfolio has tanked!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "A little visit to my banker will do the trick," so, I curtailed my a-Pauling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the maximization of some legal tender!

Bonds: Come again?

Customer: I want like to make an investment.

Bonds: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player! *

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Bonds: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Bonds: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some financial products please, my good man.

Bonds: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little Bank Loan?

Bonds: I'm a-fraid we're fresh out of Bank Loans, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Debt Financing?

Bonds: I'm afraid we never do that at the end of the week, sir, we do it straightaway on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Prime Brokerage, if you please.

Bonds: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Urban Investments?

Bonds: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Fixed-Income Securities?

Bonds: Normally, sir, yes. Today our Fixed-Income man is on holiday**.

Customer: Ah. Asset Management?

Bonds: Sorry.

Customer: Private Equity? Clearing Services?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Any Closed-Ended Investments, per chance?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Private Wealth Management?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Execution Services?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Transition Services?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Hedge funds?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Money Markets?

Bonds: (pause) No.

Customer: Futures?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Commodities

Bonds: No.

Customer: Pensions, Mortgages, Small-Cap, Mid-Cap, No-Load, High-Yield, Venture Captial, Public Trades, Illiquid Assets?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Securitised Derivitives, perhaps?

Bonds: Ah! We have Securitised Derivitives, yessir.

Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent.

Bonds: Yessir. It's..ah,.....they're a bit unstable...

Customer: Oh, I like them unstable.

Bonds: Well,.. They're very unstable, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the instruments that make possible public and private distribution of structured finance Mmmwah!

Bonds: I...think they're a bit more unstable than you'll like, sir.

Customer: I don't care how $&#*ing unstable they are. Hand them over with all speed.

Bonds: Oooooooooohhh........!

Customer: What now?

Bonds: We don't offer them in the U.S., sir.***

Customer: (pause) Don't you?

Bonds: No, sir. Sorry.

(pause)

Customer: Risk-Weighted Assets?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Mergers ?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Acquisitions?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Hostile Takeovers?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Reference Securities?

Bonds: No, sir.

Customer: You...do have some financial products, don't you?

Bonds: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a bank shoppe, sir. We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Bonds: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Bonds?

Bonds: Yes?

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!

Bonds: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Bonds, that's my name.

Customer: Equity Capital Markets?

Bonds: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Exchange Traded Warrants?

Bonds: no

Customer: Treasury Bills,

Bonds: no

Customer: Convertible Arbitrage,

Bonds: no

Customer: Synthetic Capital Gains,

Bonds: no

Customer: Hybrid Securities,

Bonds: no

Customer: Environmental Markets,

Bonds: no

Customer: Venezuelan Oil Speculation?

Bonds: Not today, sir, no.

(pause)

Customer: Aah, how about Currency?

Bonds: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer: Not much call!--It's the single most popular form of money in the world!

Bonds: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: {pause}and what IS the most popular form of money 'round hyah?

Bonds: Collaterized Debt Obligation, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Bonds: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer: Is it.

Bonds: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...Collaterized Debt Obligation, eh?

Bonds: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Bonds: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a bank shoppe, is it?

Bonds: Finest in the district!

Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Bonds: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly unemcumbered by legitimate investment opportunity....

Bonds: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Credit Default Swaps, sir.

Customer: Would it be worth it?

Wenslydale: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Bonds: Told you sir....

Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Credit Default Swaps?

Bonds: No.

Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me

Bonds: Yessir?

Customer: Have you in fact got any financial products here at all?

Bonds: Yes,sir.

Customer: Really?

(pause) Bonds: No. Not really, sir.

Customer: You haven't.

Bonds: Nosir. It's all smoke and mirrors. I was deliberately stealing your trust and goodwill, sir.

Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Bonds: Right-0, sir.

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the banker. †


Customer: What a senseless waste of human life.

* this image is what came up when I Googled "Lloyd Blankfein bazouki." Everyone please remember to Thank Al Gore for the Internet, on your way out...

**  in fairness, Lloyd is not personally named in the fraud suit the Securities & Exchange Commission has brought against Goldman Sachs. That said, he has been spending some time "out of the office" this week...

*** this is true. In fact, most of the mumbo-jumbo financial terms I cribbed straight from Goldman Sachs.

† For the record, no one here at BlaiserBlog advocates the actual shooting of bankers. Metaphorically, however, is up for discussion.

Thanks for reading, and please remember that just because the most easiest way to parody your name is "Blankchek" doesn't mean that you haven't been worth

$1.15 EVERY SECOND FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS...

POOR FELLA!