Number Nine: Top Ten reasons why people should steer clear of me if any two of the following conditions are in play: When Mercury is in opposition, the moon is full, and the Yankees are playing the Red Sox.
Number Eight: Top Ten reasons why we will still buy Prince CDs even though he did the moral equivalent of MJ bleaching his skin, by converting to Jehovah's Witnessery...
Number Seven: Top Ten reasons why if you and I get into a bar fight using only our cellphones as blunt instruments, I will win, and then still be able to use said phone to call an ambulance for you.
Number Six: Top Ten reasons why three French guys have won one-third of the first 9 stages of the 2009 Tour de France.
Number Five: Top Ten reasons why, despite the superiority of my cellphone, I will never win a bar fight against David Mamet.
Number Four: Top Ten reasons why The Empire Strikes Back was the best of the six.
Number Three: Top Ten reasons why John Ashbery has been writing the same poem all these
years, and it's still a pretty damn good poem.
Number Two: Top ten reasons why, despite many years living in Brooklyn, when I unfold my irony board, I still have a lot of trouble with French cuffs.
And the Number One Top Ten List: two words: Senator Franken!!!
If you start a bar fight with me, I will text you so hard...
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